


One Touch

by kelex



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 19:49:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3581739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelex/pseuds/kelex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock's meditation after his <i>pon farr</i> brings him some answers to some very uncomfortable questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Memory Alpha spells it as "plak tow," but I made the choice to use "tau," which matches (in my mind, anyway) the pronunciation that T'Pau used. Also, Pau and tau rhymed, and the name "T'Pau" rhymed with "plak tau." Secondly, both characterizations are influenced by Jean Lorrah and her two novels, _The Vulcan Academy Murders_ and _The IDIC Epidemic._ Thirdly, directly references the events of _Amok Time_ , TOS 2x05.

Now that the _plak tau_ fever had cleared from his mind, Spock could calmly, _logically_ , examine the failure of his bonding to T'Pring. The flickering of the firepot statue in his quarters sent shadows rippling across the ceiling and floor, and it was on this play of darkness and light he focused. 

After many hours, he was disturbed by the door chime. He knew without a doubt who stood on the other side. There was really no one else it could be--the heartbeat was unmistakable. "Come in, Captain."

The door slid open, and Jim Kirk entered without hesitation. If he was surprised that Spock knew it was him, the emotion didn't show. "Bones said your last physical was normal, for you. We miss you on the bridge." Though he did not acknowledge it, Spock heard the unspoken undercurrent. _I miss you, Spock. Everything is forgiven, come back._

Spock's hair barely rustled as he shook his head. "No." Under that refusal? _Not yet. I am not ready._

Anyone else might've pushed the reticent half-Vulcan, but Kirk obviously knew better. Instead, he came around Spock's desk and perched on the corner so that he and Spock were facing each other. "Anything you want to talk about?"

The answer to that question was both yes and no. The many hours spent in meditation had given Spock a plethora of things to consider, though none that he was ready to share with anyone, especially his captain--or his friend. Except perhaps to say, "I am… sorry, that you were chosen to participate. T'Pring was quite logical in her reasoning, and yet I find I cannot approve of it."

A hint of a smile played at the corners of Kirk's mouth, but Spock did not begrudge it. He often felt moments of vague superiority at his human shipmates, and he accepted that in return, they would often find moments of amusement at his expense. "Well, all things considered, Mister Spock, I think we got off easy."

This was one of those often irritating moments that Spock greatly disliked. Another human, any non-Vulcan species in fact, might've understood that comment despite its obliqueness. But Spock did not, and after a moment's puzzling, he tilted his head. "I do not understand, Captain." 

The hinted smile from earlier was back. "Well, nobody was killed, nobody who didn't want to be married ended up married, and I didn't lose my First Officer."

The responsibility for that landed squarely on the shoulders of Dr. McCoy, but Spock didn't say that aloud. If it had been in Spock's hands, he would have unfortunately killed his best friend. He wouldn't have had a choice--he was biologically driven. But that was no excuse, even though Spock accepted that it was unavoidable. "I am not certain that I am qualified for that position."

\---

When Bones called up to the bridge and asked to speak to him, Jim just figured that it was time for his last checkup, just to make sure the drugs hadn't caused any permanent damage. But then Bones had said, "It's important," and so he'd gone immediately. 

He was glad that he had. Spoke's bio-scan showed that the metabolic and hormonal changes that had accompanied the _pon farr_ had cleared up, and their half-Vulcan friend was returning to what passed for normal. "But he won't set foot outside of his quarters unless it's to come to Sickbay," Bones reported. "And that's only when I order it and end the order with a threat to call the Captain to enforce it. I checked the replicator records and he's eating, and God only knows if he's sleeping or not, but if he's not it's not affecting him the way it would you and me. Now, I'm just an old country doctor, but I think our pointy-eared friend is suffering a bit of good old-fashioned depression, and with that body chemistry of his, I'm afraid to give him anything that might set off another imbalance this close to… whatever it was called." 

Kirk nodded. "And you're sure of it?"

"Not that I can prove it," McCoy countered quickly. "Nothing on the scans, nothing on the bloodwork. I just know it, down in my big toe. I know Spock, and that green-blooded computer is being even more a computer than usual. That's never a good sign." 

The captain agreed, and made a beeline to Spock's door. When Spock greeted him by name, the captain was unsurprised; he would've known if it was Spock at his cabin door, and he honestly couldn't have told anyone how he'd know. 

Stepping inside was always like stepping inside a furnace, but after feeling the temperature on Vulcan, he understood why Spock kept it at the top of the range. And he was letting his mind wander because he didn't want to disturb things. " Bones said your last physical was normal, for you. We miss you on the bridge." Which was an understatement. Chekov was capable, yes, but he wasn't Spock. Frankly, he didn't give Jim the sense of security that Spock did, knowing that he was on the bridge and at his station. 

The brusque "No" wasn't entirely unexpected, given Bones' earlier report. 

But he wasn't about to give up on his friend, and Kirk came around the corner of the desk, leaning his hip against the corner so that he was facing Spock full-on. He made sure to keep his arms loose and by his sides, avoiding the judgmental position of crossed arms looking down at a subordinate. "Anything you want to talk about?" And he was prepared to wait for it. 

He wasn't disappointed.

"I am… sorry, that you were chosen to participate. T'Pring was quite logical in her reasoning, and yet I find I cannot approve of it."

Logical was certainly one word for it. Calculating would be another, cold yet a third, and if he was looking for a fourth, both uncaring and callous were equal contenders. But the thought behind it made him smile; against all odds, Spock was offering an apology. For everything he couldn't say, through the one thing he could--apologizing for T'Pring. "Well, all things considered, Mister Spock, I think we got off easy." For him, that was nothing but the truth. Anything that ended with Spock still on board the _Enterprise_ was getting off easy in his book.

The smile widened at Spock's confusion, his misunderstanding. "I do not understand, Captain."

Sometimes, Spock's inability--or refusal--to understand the humanity around him amused Jim outrageously. But he worked to keep it under wraps. "Well, nobody was killed, nobody who didn't want to be married ended up married, and I didn't lose my First Officer." Which was the most important thing, not losing Spock. Spock belonged on the _Enterprise_ , with him.

But he wasn't expecting Spock's next comment. "I am not certain that I am qualified for that position."

With that, he couldn't stop the stunned look that came over his face, and he slid down to sit more firmly on the desk and make stronger eye contact with Spock. "What do you mean, you're not qualified? There's no one in the Service more qualified."

With great effort, Spock shook his head no. "No, Captain. I have been compromised, chemically, physically… emotionally. I am no longer fit to be in command, nor an officer. Since I have regained my senses, I would like to once again offer my resignation."

"Declined." Kirk didn't even have to think about it twice. "Spock, if every officer who was compromised by their emotions once in their lives resigned, then we wouldn't have a Service at all," he pointed out. "Humans are known for their ability to function _despite_ being compromised, and we do it well." He held up a hand when Spock started to object. "You're half-Human, Spock, no matter how hard you try to deny it."

"I cannot deny it," Spock replied serenely, his fingers clasped in front of his face and resting against his lips. "It is, in some part, that half which is responsible for the failure of my bonding." 

Now they were getting to the meat of the matter, and Kirk made himself relax. He wanted to get a drink, but did not want to distract from Spock's words. 

"I have been meditating on the problem since my return to the ship." In truth, he had been meditating since the moment of overwhelming joy he'd felt at Kirk's return, but he was not ready to confess that yet. If ever. "When I first felt the changes coming over me, I looked at T'Pring and I could feel nothing. I reached inside of me, and I could not find her. In all the places that I expected to feel her…" He trailed off, refusing to speak further. 

"You felt nothing?" Kirk asked. He assumed nothing; it was the only logical guess he could imagine.   
"I felt _everything._ " Spock's counter was vehement, but softly-spoken. "Everything, Jim."

The change from _Captain_ to _Jim_ signified many things, and Jim was aware of all of them. "What do you mean, everything?"

"I felt… everything. Where I expected the coolness of her thoughts, the serenity of our bond, I felt everything. But always, instead of T'Pring, I found…" Spock's voice trailed off so long that Kirk thought he wasn't going to finish the sentence. "You." Kirk's stunned expression caused Spock to continue. "The bonding to T'Pring failed because of the things I feel for you. The friendship I feel for you fills me, the fire, and there is room for nothing more." 

For the longest moment Jim didn't know what to say. "Spock…"

"It is why I tender my resignation."

"Refused. I refuse to accept that, Spock." He kept his eyes on his friend, who was obviously suffering. Instead, he did what he would have done to anyone, and reached to put a hand on Spock's shoulder. 

In answer, Spock held out the first two fingers of his right hand. 

After a brief hesitation, Jim echoed the motion with his left hand and touched them together.

His breath was taken away by the brief telepathic contact. It wasn't a full invasion of his thoughts, nor was it entirely unwelcome. It was like a warm blanket in front of a winter fire, wrapping around him and offering heat. He could feel Spock's mind, but not what was in it, not what lurked beneath the tight layer of control that he encountered. He could barely breathe as Spock's fingers slid down the front of his, and then withdrew entirely. 

The contact was broken when the touch was broken, and Jim was left feeling bereft, thought full at the same time of emotion and thought that wasn't his own--but could have been. 

"It is the same for you," Spock said after a moment's disbelief, and he looked at his own hands as if he didn't recognize them.

Jim was still looking at his fingers because he could still feel the ghost of Spock's touch on his skin. "What was that?" 

"It is a gesture shared between those close on my home planet," Spock explained, though he was somewhat evasive in his tone. In his confusion, though, Jim didn't catch it. 

"All right." Jim trailed his own fingers over the track that Spock's fingers had taken. "Coming? You're on duty in half an hour."

Spock didn't check the chronometer, just rose from his meditative position behind the desk and clasped his hands behind his back. "Of course, Captain."

Jim's smile finally widened across his face, and Spock followed him out, following the man he'd follow anywhere.

End


End file.
